Whoa...technology!

So this, friends, is a linear accelerator....

I saw it for the first time today.

I will be starting to get my radiation-finally-on Monday. Thirty-three treatments every weekday through mid-September.

I feel like Future Woman....

Fortunately, they will not be pointing the thing at my HEAD like this poor person!

Insomnia!

It's 4:14 am and I'm awake....not worrying, just AWAKE!

I sounded so downtrodden the other day--not to worry, sports fans. It was just the periodic hit-the-wall time. Those episodes are getting fewer and less frequent, but increasing work time may up the stress level a bit.

Next week will be the test. Somehow two of our opticians are off at the same time so I will be working full time for the first time in a number of weeks--probably since May. We'll see how the energy level holds out for such a schedule after a few weeks of radiation. I'm told that about Week Three of radiation will be when the fatigue really sets in. So watch out in mid-August. My family is already accustomed to my mid-evening slumberfests on the Lazy Boy chair--I'm not sure how we'll know I'm MORE tired? Maybe I won't be on the computer at 4 AM......

So...I'm off to read.....or watch TV....or something that doesn't involve reading the NY Times political section.......politics does NOT put me to sleep, I'm afraid.

Good night (morning?)........

Return of the Late Night Worry Monster

He's ba-c-k-k-k!
Information=fretfulness.

I've been informed to pieces about radiation.....brittle bones...possible skin burns...fatigue...don't take antioxidants, do drink water, don't wear bras with wires, do this...don't do that--HELP!

And then there's tamoxifen for five years....it'll reduce your chances of breast cancer, but watch out for the risk of endometrial cancer, nausea, hot flashes, blah..blah...blah.....

The cures are starting to get more worrisome than the gosh-darn cancer!

I realized at dinner tonight that I'm feeling tremendous guilt for not wanting to rejoin the rat race at work full-time. My brain is just so full and I am totally exhausted when I work. I don't really enjoy getting complained at and yelled at, and work with the public these days involves a lot of both. My coping skills are a bit depleted, and my brain is not moving at full speed.

On the other hand, most patients--especially the ones who know about the cancer--are very supportive and lovely. Work is okay, but I'm just not myself right now. I find myself wanting to hunker down in my house. What's that phobia?

Tomorrow is my radiation "simulation." I'll have a cat scan and they'll plot my treatment angles. I guess I get the targeting tattoos tomorrow as well--no lightning bolts, unfortunately. Just little spots that will mark me forever as a radiation veteran.

This cancer dance is depressing some days. I'm tired.

The Plan

I was going to say the "final plan" but that's so May 8th. No finality for me, thanks.

So--I've now seen oncologists at Hopkins and Western MD Health System, and there is a plan. I will proceed with the conservative course of 6 weeks of radiation treatments/5 days per week, starting 7/27/09. There are treatment options in trials at Hopkins which take one week (I don't qualify) or three weeks (I might qualify), but there are reasons to stay with lower doses of radiation over a longer period--which I can do. At the conclusion of radiation (around 9/10/09) I will start the tamoxifen pill treatment for 5 years.

I have come to realize some women choose to skip radiation, especially for eensy-teensy cancers like mine, for a whole host of reasons--money, distance, time--but no medical person advocates this plan, and I can't see taking the increased risk of cancer recurrence. So, light me up, baby!

In truth, the radiation thing kind of intimidates me....stupid, after facing down the Big C. No one I've talked to who've had the treatments view them like much of a big deal. But when the doctor told me up to 5% of my lung tissue would be scarred (and thus killed off) in the process of nuking the breast area, I realized how potent this radiation is. ICK. Let's hope the ever-so-suave Dr Watkins has some good aim!

Why?

Why must wonderful people get so sick?
.....and I don't mean me.

My phone just rang on this lovely, sunny morning--4 weeks post-op. It was a beautiful lady who is the mother of one of my best long-time friends. She is terminally ill and so very, very fragile. However, she was checking up on me (of course) and thanking me for caring about her (as if I could do otherwise....she's the closest person I can think of to compare to my own gentle mother).

Why must this perfect lady--beloved wife, mother, grandmother and friend--face such a dire situation? I want my mother, and I know Chris wants his. Eighty years is way too short sometimes.

Do we love enough when we have the chance?

Live Young!

I love this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eExHIzBKRU0

Time out for a happy non-cancer moment..........

Normal. (?) (!) (....)

I've gone to work for most of the past two days--woo-hoo.
I'm really not "normal" as predicted by the title. My right breast feels like a 15 pound water balloon--actually more like 25 pounds by 5:00 PM. However, my brain haze is dissipating to a large degree--my apathy is a little slower! Will I ever want to hear the din of work-whining again? (I think not..............)

I am humbled daily by the good will of my fellow humans. I've discovered two of the loveliest ladies in Cumberland are fellow Johns Hopkins breast warriors--with the very same surgeon. I can't tell you how I feel to stand beside two such formidable, beautiful survivors. I CAN DO THIS. One of the ladies invited me to join a committee of planners for a fall breast cancer walk and fundraiser. I want to turn this around and start to help others--so the answer is yes.
...................

Unrelated opinion--may I tell you how impossibly sick I am of the Michael Jackson death-a-thon and the Sarah Palin melt-a-thon. There is no one on the planet more delighted to see Palin withering like the Wicked Witch of the West (or disappearing like the polar ice cap--take that neocons!), but good grief--shut up already, Sarah-Victim-Queen, and all the pundits, right, left and other.

Could we put a feed of NPR on every channel, 24-7? That's my kind of news.

I'm just cranky that Jacko and Wacko stole the thunder from Governor Sanford--now that was entertainment. May my breasts someday inspire such poetry.

Recommended Reading

Thanks to Kayleigh for directing my attention to this article. I understand where he's coming from, even though my cancer and my battle are much shorter and less daunting than his. I recommend reading this article for some insight into the mind of someone with a serious illness--always useful information here on the planet.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/30/health/30case.html?ref=science

And the oncology decision is..........

I saw a medical oncologist at Hopkins yesterday. He was quite the dashing young fellow with a hint of a Latin accent (and a dashing resume as well!).

It's so very discouraging to take my fat 48 year old self to see such a guy...and for a stinking cancer appointment, for crying out loud. I've grown so used to my female medical army that I was rather daunted to face a male doctor. My weird medical fantasy life (that I don't really have anyway) just gets shot to h*#@, I'm afraid. I daresay Governor Sanford would not be waxing poetic about me these days!

Thank goodness my real-life dream doc is still on my team--he's the best fantasy man I know. Tomorrow is our 27th anniversary, and I can now look forward to many, many more.
.......................

I digress, as usual.

The medical oncologist does not--I repeat DOES NOT--recommend any chemotherapy. Hurray!!! I'm pleased I get to keep my hair. I guess I view my hair as my "one beauty" (Amy to Jo in Little Women).

I will start with radiation (consultation appointments scheduled 7/10 in Cumberland and 2nd opinion 7/16 at JHU) and then take tamoxifen pills (a "selective estrogen receptor modulator") for 5 years. Tamoxifen "reduces the risk of further invasive breast cancer by 50%" (and gives me a few fun new systemic risk factors, but tomorrow is another day--so says Katie Scarlett O'Hara). And tamoxifen will also give me the symptoms of menopause, but probably not the real thing!? Tell me that's fair! Jeff will be needing the asbestos pajamas.

To continue with today's cinema theme, I'm channeling Bette Davis in All About Eve....“Hold on to your seats, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!"